Hello im Colin aherne (Poshey) I’m 34, I work in shop retail, I love running and triathlons and keeping fit keeps my mental health fit too, I’m new to blogging and said id start it up and see how it goes getting guest blogs at moment but I better lead by example and write my issues, this is the most honest ill be about my mental health but think being honest people respect me more and it helps a lot of people ok here it goes… ✒️📝
The last 2/3 yesrs I started a new journey in my life I wrote a previous blog abiut my event walk 4 life, up to 5 years ago I used to live an average life was never fit in my life used to go out and binge drink and that was a very bad habit to break, used to go out a Friday and could be still out a Sunday it was a vicious cycle to break I used to make a Fool out of myself out by who don’t, used to go to work and do nothing else really hang around with friends and my ex mainly lived a quite life still all around besides going out. I had anxiety all my life and never knew what it was always taught it was how I felt in general and it was life cause I felt that way alot, now that I know what it is I can look back and see what it was all along and my god looking back it was hard very hard, what I can remeber of what anxiety used to be used to work in roxy records and can still to this day remember I used to bring 2/3 t shirts to work as I used to sweat through alot of them and used to be shamed used to stink at times used to spray and change about 3 times a day the staff that I worked with are still good friends with and when I got it checked out they taught I had a sweating disorder and wanted me to go for surgery to stop my sweat glands under my arms in the end never went for it I had alot of this going on.
I had an awful lot of social anxiety going on as well I still have it but it’s different now my social anxiety I have had for a long time was I used to know I was going out with friends and when I used shoes I used to empty reachcin the shower and feel awful and yet again I had no idea what it was used to tell myself I’m ok I’ll feel good later but that sweating used to be even worse when I used to go out, used to go out and my armpits used to be soaked I used to go into the toilet in Hennessys and use the hand dryer to dry my shirts and if it didn’t stop I used to have to go home change and spray like make and hope it would stop but Usualy after a few drinks when I got merry it used stop as I got confidence in myself with the drink and could the funny and outgoing Poshey comes out to play then, it’s something looking back it used to be awful (first time admitting and talking about this in public to people)
People always wonder what it’s like to suffer from anxiety it’s hard to explain sometimes, what u feel is just beyond strange, I used to walk in town and people used to think I’m a snob or not say hi but little did I know what when anxiety is bad your trying your best to not fall over cause when it’s bad if makes u feel light headed and feel like your going to fall over awful feeling then if someone’s passes and you don’t say hi you don’t u worry that that person thinks your a Fucker and what’s wrong with that fool always find funerals the worse my anxiety always goes bonkers even if I barely know the person I always feel fit to pass out in church i kinda avoid it if I can. I’m very insecure, I never value myself,
My worse thing and one thing I HATE about myself is I always think i bother people for example if I ask someone to do somethingif they say yes I end up talking them out of it in the end feel I’m a burden on them it’s my worse part of me and it’s hard to control I try my best but find it still hard to this day and it’s harder cause I know I do it but I know how to manage it alot more, I push alot of people away I don’t mean it, I like being in my own but then I admit I get very lonely with I had someone in my life but when I do I push them away and find it hard wish I could be confidant as I have done amazing work with my event and still to this day I’m loke oh sure I’m helping other people had to be done sure it was grand still have not taken on board what I have achieved.
Christmas 2015 was the worse time in my whole life what I expierenced I would not wish on my own worse enemys I was recently diagnosed with anxiety disorder in August 2015 (ruff idea) the doctor tried to get me on medication I was like no way ‘I’m not mad’ I’m ok I’m normal, at the same time I was promoting positive mental health, went back to doctor few times and cried and said I never expierenced this before what is it, work was just beyond hard used to know what my day was going to be like before I even went in there knew there would be the most annoying customers ever it’s Xmas they will bust your balls, before I even left the house to go to work I was a wreck getting to work was even hard never mind another 8 hours in there no one knows this onky one person and I worked with her, that period at Xmas I used to go to the toilet in between customers and get sick and come out looked like I had a massive hangover little did people know I was plain fucked I could not control it, I was taken every natural thing I could think of to help me ‘recuse remiedys’ used to drink it like water, pissing against the wind I was in the end it got so bad I was finding it hard to get out of bed and that was never loke me going to work used to suck the life out of me, it has not even got to the worse yet trust me it was horrid.
So got do hard for me and I promoted mental health and its ok not to feel ok and it’s absolutely ok to ask for help ‘Poshey cop the fuck onto yourself and ask for help yourself people won’t think of u any different’ ended up in doctor again and needed up taken anxiety meds 5mg of lexapro which was like pissing against the wind again but anyone knows when u take them tablets it makes u worse for a week or 2 to balance the happy hormones in your gut and brain, I got so low on this all I can thank is my Born to run people I can honestly say I would be lost with out them there my family one women won’t mention her name got me though my struggle she was there end of the phone when I was crying and asking ‘is it ever going to end’ have not even got to the worse yet, Xmas eve 2015 yea it got worse alot worse I ended u writing off my car crashed it on a bad bend my brain was so bad I could not even think straight I was at an all time low I asked why me I cried it l, the seat belt saved my life was not worried about how much the car was worth, the car crash just took all my energy took me least 2 months to come around after it this Xmas period was the only ever tie in my life I got bad I always had hold of it but there is times in your life you need help and Xmas 2015 was my time I hated asking friends to be there for me,
in 2015/2016 my gut went through awful stuff my food was not being broken down and I was not digesting food I lost over 1.5 stone this obviously did help my situation at all I felt shit and felt skinny and thin my eyes were sunken into my head had black eyes people were saying to it to me and got to me bad but after all that struggle I figured it out myself which specialists told me ibs Usualy with them my anxirty went sky high checked the mirror twice a day and said stupid stuff to myself (but now I’m back up in weight and happy) but moral or the story as sick as I was I battled on half marathon after half marathon and training and tying to keep positive ✔️
I came around think the medication brought me level and I started to see but think it was I got back running within 2 runs I felt ok Im feeling good again running is going something magic to me why didn’t I do this all along but when your in that bad place u can’t do fuck all, when I started feeling good again I got back on the horse and kept doing what I wanted doing running my hakf marathons and summer of 2016 I started triathlon training and completed 4 triathlons, moral of my story and why I write these blogs is to help people I hit rock bottom I was never there before either was fucken scary very scary but I did what I needed to do took the medication even do it was in the press for 6 weeks kept talking myself out of it comes a time in your life for EVERYONE where u need help ‘if your broke your arm you would go to the hospital and get a cast to help it heal’ if your mental health is bad you need something to help it heal as well and that help can be help from the doctor or talking to a councillor, goinf to pieta house, jigsaw kerry there all free services,
With anxiety its always going to be a part of my life, , I had a great few months and recently 5 days ago I had a trigger and it was bad again my trigger was I was on my first shift for being a first responder for 12 hours pressure you say I looked and the pager so much u was fit to crack no calls in the 12 hours I was left drained but I told myself it’s anxiety I know it’s you now kindly fuck off, so off put in the runners music in the ears and off for a 10k and ignore it settled again thank god,
With my mental health journey I had a few events ‘walk 4 life’ ‘darkness into light tralee ‘and other small projects which raised about €55,000 euro in total so to all the people reading this blog life is and can get very bad and hard at times it’s normal everyone struggles but thinks always get better, what I have learned is surround yourself with positive people who want to see the best in you and not the worse and love to drag you down get rid of negative only for my Born to run and tralee triathlon friends I would not be where I am today I can’t thank them enough I owe them so much I can’t explain seeing people achieve and doing good things all you want to do is follow them and do the same.
If you are reading this blog and your thinking life is hard your lonely and things are hard trust me reach out to a friend if not family get out go for a cup of tea with them no mobile phones or even go for a walk by the sea or in park, also there is free services in Ireland and I’ll post the numbers under this post, pieta house offer a free councilling service for people who have suicidal taughts or self harm if you are having these taughts contact them ASAP also jigsaw kerry her look after teens mental health Also offer free service.
Remeber ‘it’s ok not to feel ok and it’s absolutely ok to ask for help’ and a problem shared is a problem halved’
Lastly thanks to Eveyone who supported me over the last few years ye have being beyond amazing can’t think you enough and who follow my work thank you too ill keep the guest blogs going and updates on my own journey for now all is quite and downtime for me
Yours sincerely Colin aherne 📝✒️✔️