As far back as I can remember my mother was an alcoholic. I would wait at school for her to collect me, filled with dread of what would greet me when I hopped in the car. She would often pick me up from school drunk and I would spend the evening ‘minding’ her, making sure she didn’t fall down the stairs or get into the car as she continued to drink.
I was constantly anxious and worried about her. Some days she would go missing for hours. When I was twelve, myself and my Dad had to carry her into the house from her car. My childhood memories are full of similar moments that I’d rather forget.
In my early twenties I moved out of home thinking that I could leave my past behind me. Even though I was no longer in the chaotic home environment, I still struggled with a constant sense of anxiety and low self-esteem. I felt worthless. I hated myself and was still always anxious. When I am anxious, I tend to focus on physical symptoms and would convince myself that I had various illnesses (you name it, I thought I had it).
In work, people would ask me if I out the night before because I looked so exhausted and didn’t care about my appearance. My concentration was poor and I was forgetful which made me feel like I was bad at my job. Socially, I agonised over Continue reading
Anxiety is an invalid excuse. I just got back to my room after a failed attempt to go to class. I’m sitting here, writing this, trying to think of something to email my professor to sugarcoat what I’m feeling, to really drive home the point that class today was unbearable for me. You see if it was the flu or a bad head cold this would be easy. I would simply relay the symptoms and be excused with a general “feel better” and a hidden relief that I wouldn’t be getting anyone else sick. To send an email saying I just had to take a breather on a 4th Ave. step because my lungs felt as if they were collapsing and my body was shaking so badly I could hardly walk doesn’t do the trick.
Anxiety is an invalid excuse. I fear having to tell people I’m on medication because the second I do, I see my fears written across their faces. The fact that I have to take a dose of something with an unpronounceable name twice a day just to make me feel like Continue reading
For far too long, I used to cancel plans because, “I didn’t wanna go” or “I have a sore throat” or the best excuse “I’ve nothing to wear”. But it wasn’t because of these things that I was cancelling on my friends and family for things that I really wanted to do. It was because I fear the unknown.
I absolutely loooove doing things completely out of the ordinary. I’m all up for late night adventures or waking up at mad hours to go swimming. But, for two years I couldn’t bare the thought of doing anything outside my comfort zone. The problem was