My dearest boyfriend/girlfriend,
Thanks for taking the time to read this today. I’m sorry if it interrupted your schedule. See, part of my mental illness is to make me feel guilty and ashamed for things (I’m told) I shouldn’t. After the guilt and shame set in, anxiety creeps up. Some people get anxiety and stress confused. Anxiety isn’t stress. You can redirect stress and calm yourself relatively quick. Anxiety isn’t so easy. Let me explain.
I get tense. First in my chest, shoulders and neck. Then, it flows into my arms, hands and stomach. Next, I clench and grind my teeth without noticing. After a while, my jaw hurts so badly that Continue reading
My anxiety has led me to develop a bad habit. It doesn’t seem like it would be a bad habit, but for me it is.
I apologize too much.
I know, I know, you’re thinking maybe I’m just polite and considerate. Are you? That’s what I thought as it started. I thought since apologizing can be really difficult for some people, and many apologize without truly meaning it, it was something I should be thankful I can do.
When I was little, and even now, if I am sick or hurting I constantly apologize to my caregivers. I would have strep throat and a fever and would constantly apologize to my mom and dad for fixing me special foods and drinks, like soup and hot tea, to help me heal. I was terribly sick a few Continue reading
I love you.
So my friend asked me to write about my experience of losing someone to suicide. And like most times in life, you are the first person I’d want to talk and tell the story to so I said I’d write to you as you are no longer here to tell in person.
The day your life ended was the day that mine and our families New lives began. When I got the phone call to say you had passed, like something from a movie, I fell against the wall and slumped to the ground. Overwhelmed by shock, sadness, heartbreak and, difficult for some to comprehend, relief. Relief your suffering was over and that you were at peace. When your suffering ended ours just began. I remember the adrenaline pumping through my veins and I rushed out of the college library and went home. To reality.
Reality bites; arriving home to the scene of Continue reading